What Is Happening? || LIFE UPDATE

Wow, it has really been awhile since I posted. I didn't really intend to have something this late of an update, but I guess that's just how it is when you constantly try to repair yourself.

It is almost the end of 2017, and I would say that this year has been the year of me trying to be happy. 2016 was a challenge that I do not want to get started with. But yeah, whenever I talk to people about how I'm feeling lately, I don't even know where to start. Like right now, I don't have a clue on how to begin saying the things that I'm about to say.

Long story short, I'm just afraid. I'm afraid of putting out content that may potentially be something that people make fun of me for. See, not many people like me. I'm always that type of person who is trying to fit in with everybody else but whenever I do, they always make me feel that I'm a loser or that I'm stupid, or just plainly thinks so low of me. Whenever I do become a friend, I become the "last resort friend" aka the last choice. Yes I was constantly belittled, judged, made fun of, all of that jazz. As I write this, I recall each of those people's faces and how their words / voices are running through my head as if I'm watching a compilation video of how I was made fun of. This is not just during high school, these are scenarios going way back as much as I could remember. I tried to stand up to these people by doing the same things that they did to me (yeap wrong move on my part maybe), but that only created a part of me that I began hating myself for.

Jeez, this just became a bullying story. I get it, everyone has been bullied at one point in their life and I should just get over it right? Well, I'm trying to. I wish it only ended with "friends" or "schoolmates" but there were family members as well. It just became a constant cycle of me trying to shut off all the negativity that one day, all got to me (aka like today as I write this).

So what has all this got to do with my not creating content? Give me a sec.

My closest friends always reminds me that I need to show these people that I'm capable of so much more, but how can I do that when I don't fully believe in myself? I lost all of my confidence and became so insecure that I try my best to avoid going to places that I know I'll probably see people in my past at. I avoid going to reunions or "tambay" or even walk around in my neighborhood. I became so afraid of mingling with people. This not only affected my social life but my blogging / vlogging as well. I'm so afraid that my opinions towards something may not be right even if I know from my experience that everything that I wrote was 100% was what I had experienced. I once called up a friend asking if I should continue what I'm doing (blogging and starting my Youtube channel), I told him that I enjoy these but I'm afraid of the people that I know in real life to see these things that I create "kasi baka siraan ako katulad ng dati" (They may spread false rumors of me like before and ruin me), and that I was afraid that I'll experience other people in the cyber space not liking me again. He told me that I may expect the worse, but I should continue what I do if it makes me happy. I was happy, until out of nowhere I became this some sort of "perfectionist" who only wants to post something amazing, until I didn't post anything at all because I felt like everything that I created was crap even if I had fun creating them.

I was okay with only a few people reading or watching my blog / vlogs because it's a bit chill and I know that they're still getting to know me. But whenever I get some sort of recognition, I tend to pull back. I was afraid of having a lot of people seeing something wrong with me and start to bash me. See, I was not fully secured with myself and adding negative attention to that may get me a one way ticket to loneliness.
I fake my confidence a lot. As much as possible I avoid receiving compliments by being "overconfident" with myself (It's a facade). Whenever I feel like someone's gonna say something to me, I always try and talk first and act so cocky like saying "ang ganda ko no?" ("Aren't I pretty?") or something like that so that they'll laugh and disagree with me and make some other comment that I'm way more comfortable with because it mostly ends with a funny conversation. But yeah, I guess I just couldn't take a positive or negative or any comment in general about me or my content easily.

I now realize that if I do want to continue doing this, as long as it makes me happy, nothing else should matter. As long as I'm not hurting anybody else or myself, then I should just keep doing what I want to do. Of course, it's easier said than done, so I'll just take it a step at a time.

For now, I'm posting this for myself. Yes this was me talking to myself and all of you being the witness HAHA!

I'm just happy to be back, I'm starting to achieve that happiness that I wanted since the beginning of this year so I'm going to try and keep that going.

xx
Joyce.

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A Trip To The Bookstore | Booksale in SM Megamall

So I've ran out of things to read because I found myself rereading some novels that I already read so I went to Booksale. Now, the name describes itself. Alot of their books are way cheaper than their usual price and they have books that are pretty popular or some that you've probably never heard of.

I guess the only downside of this bookstore is that they don't carry the complete series of the books (you know, if the book you found is in a series). Some are already has some folds here and there but nothing too tragic. 

The space is quite small since people keep going in and out or stopping to read or gather books that they're about to purchase. But I guess that's just a verification that this place does have really good books. 

Not gonna lie, I did feel overwhelmed with all the choices but I managed to pick up one book which is "The Lake Of Dreams" by: Kim Edwards for PHP 145 and I'll be reading it in the weekend. But yea, I guess going on a book store is probably one of my favorite things to do. I can't explain why without blabbering too much but I guess it's because I really do like books a lot. 

So, when was the last time you've picked up a new book to read or went to a bookstore?

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Disclosure: I am in no way sponsored by the company or brand mentioned in this post. All opinions or statements made were based off on my experience.

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Things I've learned since turning 21!

It was my birthday last August 5th and now I am officially 21 years old! Oh my gosh how time flies. Anyway, here is a list of 21 things that I learned the easy way and the hard way within the years of my life. 

1. The "cliches" are cliches because they actually work.
2. In any form of relationship, the best way to maintain it is for both parties to learn to feel for 2 people rather than just themselves.
3. There is nothing wrong with spending money on things that you like as long as you could afford it.
4. Listen to your gut. If you're feeling uneasy about a situation, then you're probably right. 
5. Some of the things you learn from high school really doesn't prepare you from what to expect once you've reached the legal age.
6. Not everybody will be your friend for a long time.
7. Being bullied in school isn't the end. 
8. Do what you think is right today, the rest will just have to follow. Take one step at a time.
9. Express yourself as much as you can as long as you're not violating any rules or hurting anyone. It helps us become comfortable and confident with ourselves.
10. There is nothing wrong with making sure about your decisions. Ask questions about anything you'd wanna know before making that final decision.
11. It is fine to say no to something you really don't wanna do.
12. Everyone would always have an opinion towards you, good and bad, it's just best if you not care at all and live how you want to.
13. Know your worth, do not settle for less.
14. Sometimes, other people around you does have good intentions. Just take the time to really get to know them.
15. Be grateful for what you have today rather than missing it once its gone.
16. It's easy to say anything about or to someone, but remember that you can never take it back.
17. Every once in awhile, we will have a really hard day and it's okay to let the people around you know that.
18. We aren't alone in everything, there is always somebody out there going through the same thing.
19. Money is very important but making time to be with the people you love is much more meaningful.
20. Do not have high expectations if you do not plan on getting disappointed.
21. Being the underdog doesn't mean anything, if you are good enough to be in the competition, then you also have a good chance of winning. 

So those have been the important things that I remember and still live by and some of the things you should consider too. Most of these are advice from people I come across with and some of them I learned the hard way. When I was really young I just always thought that life isn't that hard after reading books that I thought would prepare me mentally and emotionally. Sadly, there really isn't a guide or a manual in life. Having to grow up faster than what should be was probably the shock of my life. I think no one could really fully prepare you on what life has to bring, I know that it took me awhile to get over my shock and just keep going and learn to ask questions if I really don't know what to do. Then, once I kind of got the hang of it, I learned some more ways to improve my strengths and work with my weaknesses. I'm not saying I understand life to its fullest, I'm saying that as long as I manage to smile just once through a very rough situation, I know that I'll be okay. 

Thanks for reading and until the next blog!

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The Birthday Tag!

It's my birthdaaaay!!! Well technically, yesterday was my birthday but I didn't manage to post this because I forgot and I was way to excited yesterday to actually do anything. 

So today, I will be doing the "Birthday Tag" which I am so excited about so I should probably start now....

1.) When is your birthday?
My birthday is August 5th 1994

2.) How old are you turning? (Or if your birthday recently passed, how old did you turn?)
I am now 21 years old!

3.) What was you're favorite present that you've ever received?The best present I ever received, 2 powerpuff girl talking dolls when I was around 7 on my birthday, I just remembered that I wanted those so bad and I already had blossom, so my parents gave me bubbles and buttercup. And also on my 19th birthday, My mom gave me a new phone.

4.) Are you/did you have a party this year? if so what are you doing?
Not exactly a party but just a small gathering with some really close people, super low-key.

5.) How do you usually celebrate your birthday?
I usually celebrate my birthday with my brother, going out watching the movies and then have a small gathering with my friends. Although, sometimes I do have a party.

6.) What was the most memorable birthday that you had?
All my birthdays are quite memorable but one that I never forgot was my 15th birthday, all I could say is it was CRAZY! Also in the gaming world, my 18th and 20th we had a ton of players just shouting it's my birthday which was really funny and felt like an actual celebration / gathering with people that I love.

7.) If you had an unlimited amount of money what would you do for your birthday
I would most likely go crazy on buying the things that I want and have a family trip, specifically my mom, my brother and me out of town.

8.) What's your birthday wish list?
My birthday wish list mostly consists of make up products but I am really wanting to build a house gym so some of my money are saved for that.

9.) If u only had one birthday left, what would u do for your birthday?
If I only had one birthday left, I would invite all of the people that actually means a lot to me and party all day and night. Just have fun and it would probably be in my house OR out of town.

10.) Show a picture from your birthday, preferably an embarrassing one
Ugh! These are the times I really wish I saved my photos from friendster, I had a TON there. But this one was from my 17th birthday, I'm sometimes embarrassed and cringe when I see myself on photos sitting like this all the time:

11.) do you have any birthday traditions?
I always must have cake and spagetti on the table. Even if I'm not actually celebrating, I just want to have the little things that represent it.


12.)what's your favorite part about your birthday?
My favorite part about my birthday is people actually listen to what you want and makes you feel so special. 


13.) whats one thing that changed a lot since your last birthday
My Birthday last year, I didn't celebrate because I was getting ready for my mom to arrive in the Philippines the next day, so I was pretty much just excited, the thing that changed a lot is probably me sharing more of my day where usually I keep my birthday hush hush.


14.) Have you ever been thrown a surprise party or have you ever thrown one for someone?
I have never been thrown a surprise party but I did throw one for someone else before, and it always felt great!

And that has been my birthday tag, and now I tag all of you who are reading this, do your own birthday tag because why not? It's fun and another way of celebrating your birthday. Oh and before I forget, today is also the 2nd year anniversary of my house! I just love August, so many reasons to celebrate. And I will be posting some follow up birthday themed posts for awhile so stay tuned for that one! ♥

Thanks for reading and until the next blog!

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Life Update

Hello everybody!

So it is finally August, time moves so fast. It feels like just yesterday I was celebrating new year's with my brother and a party with my neighbors. Now it's suddenly my birth month! I will be turning 21 this Wednesday, August 5th. I'm not really planning anything spectacular for that day, I'll just probably head out with my brother to eat and go to church, maybe watch a movie too.

I have also been not posting for awhile and now I would change that because I have a list on what I expect my blog to be and also new content for me to try and do. I really love blogging and eventhough I don't post as much, I still find myself reading other people's blogs which still keeps me on track.

I am also currently still working on a book that I'm writing and hopefully (not that sure yet), I'll be able to put it out for everybody to read. I have also gained a lot of weight from being as lazy as I am and now, I wanna start getting back on track and continue my dream of becoming fit. I'm currently looking at exercise bikes too and would most likely get one within this week or next week since I already have my options and just deciding which one I would get and I will be posting all about it once I have it delivered and tested out.

As for online games, I just recently announced to my guild mates and friends that I have finally quit playing Dragon Nest Sea and would move on to another game. The reason being is not because that I'm really busy but because I've been playing that game for quite a long time, like I was 17 when I started then I'm now turning 21. I practically grew up in that game with all my other guild members that was a lot like my virtual family. I think that I finally got tired of its repetitive-ness every cap having to start with absolutely 0 but nonetheless, it still has one of the most amazing gameplays especially on PVP which makes you have a hard time picking out another game that would compare to the experience this game has given you. My guildies and me do stay in contact and we are discussing what games we should play all together again which is kind of hard since everybody pretty much has different opinions on games that they wanna try out so I doubt that we would all end up on a single game. But some people are willing to try out another game with me which we are currently waiting for the open beta and that is Tree Of Savior. It's an MMO on steam and many people describes it as something quite similar to the 1st Ragnarok game. I however have not ever played ragnarok (Except for the mobile game) and have high expectations towards this game because of all the hype that's circling around it. As for mobile games, I'm on and off playing Toram Online, another MMO Rpg game which actually surprised me that it is so different. It's 3d and open world, the graphics are good too and it's easy to play. Although, it does have issues with other mobile users because it keeps on crashing after you create a character. Another mobile game is Heroes Of Order And Chaos. I have been playing this game for years, it is a tower-defense sort of game and it reminds me a lot of League Of Legends. It does help entertain me when I have nothing else to do and I don't know, it's just a chill game that I like.

For T.V. shows or series, nothing new, I'm still watching Pretty Little Liars (No spoilers! I Promise!) and yes I am very much updated and have also been guilty of rewatching it all over again right from season 1. Can't believe it will only be 2 episodes until the summer finale. I'll be able to watch the next episode on my birthday which I am so excited about  and yes in case any of you are wondering, PLL premiers every Wednesday here in the Philippines just a few minutes after most of you have watched in on a Tuesday ( Took me awhile to figure out all the time difference). I am also currently watching out for some new shows that I would like so if there are any suggestions, do tell me.

I'm also really thinking about putting some blonde highlights on my hair, kind of like a balayage style. Last month was the 1st time that I ever colored my own hair and now I am feeling so confident to play with it. So we will see if I do go through with it.

And yea, I guess that is it and I'm really thinking about what post I should make on my birthday. I have some options already so it may not be just a single post. I'll see what I can do and I will be heading out soon and getting some new beauty products to try out and some new clothes because I have literally been wearing the same comfy stuff all the time and I should probably get new ones that actually flatter my new body shape and still feel comfortable in. I don't know why but my body constantly keeps changing sizes like last year I was super thin and now I got curves, I like either way although sometimes its getting hard to pick out some clothes. Well, whatever I'll enjoy and flaunt the curves I have now before it disappears again (if it will, I don't know).

 Hope that everybody would have an amazing August!

Thanks for reading and until the next blog,

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Life update.

Hey everybody! Hope that you are all doing well. I've recently had internet connection problems so I was bored out of my mind. Anyway, I started to continue writing my book. No one's really waiting for me to release it so I'm really taking my time in trying to perfect it which is stress free for me. I just really liked writing ever since I was about 7 but it wasn't something that was my number 1 dream to be a writer, it is just a hobby that I wanna put out to the public soon. 

I am currently watching keeping up with the kardashians.. Seriously, it is my guilty pleasure. I just love the fact that they look makeup / perfectly ready all the time. They are gorgeous. I'll also rewatch the whole season 5 of pretty little liars today because tomorrow season 6 will be relased and I am very excited about it. I'll probably be binge make gifs tomorrow for my tumblr because it was awhile since I last made one. 

I'll also be posting new content tomorrow for this blog so it is really exciting. So I will be watching my shows now and relax because tomorrow is gonna be a happily busy day for me.

❤️

Joyce

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