Wow, it has really been awhile since I posted. I didn't really intend to have something this late of an update, but I guess that's just how it is when you constantly try to repair yourself.
It is almost the end of 2017, and I would say that this year has been the year of me trying to be happy. 2016 was a challenge that I do not want to get started with. But yeah, whenever I talk to people about how I'm feeling lately, I don't even know where to start. Like right now, I don't have a clue on how to begin saying the things that I'm about to say.
Long story short, I'm just afraid. I'm afraid of putting out content that may potentially be something that people make fun of me for. See, not many people like me. I'm always that type of person who is trying to fit in with everybody else but whenever I do, they always make me feel that I'm a loser or that I'm stupid, or just plainly thinks so low of me. Whenever I do become a friend, I become the "last resort friend" aka the last choice. Yes I was constantly belittled, judged, made fun of, all of that jazz. As I write this, I recall each of those people's faces and how their words / voices are running through my head as if I'm watching a compilation video of how I was made fun of. This is not just during high school, these are scenarios going way back as much as I could remember. I tried to stand up to these people by doing the same things that they did to me (yeap wrong move on my part maybe), but that only created a part of me that I began hating myself for.
Jeez, this just became a bullying story. I get it, everyone has been bullied at one point in their life and I should just get over it right? Well, I'm trying to. I wish it only ended with "friends" or "schoolmates" but there were family members as well. It just became a constant cycle of me trying to shut off all the negativity that one day, all got to me (aka like today as I write this).
So what has all this got to do with my not creating content? Give me a sec.
My closest friends always reminds me that I need to show these people that I'm capable of so much more, but how can I do that when I don't fully believe in myself? I lost all of my confidence and became so insecure that I try my best to avoid going to places that I know I'll probably see people in my past at. I avoid going to reunions or "tambay" or even walk around in my neighborhood. I became so afraid of mingling with people. This not only affected my social life but my blogging / vlogging as well. I'm so afraid that my opinions towards something may not be right even if I know from my experience that everything that I wrote was 100% was what I had experienced. I once called up a friend asking if I should continue what I'm doing (blogging and starting my Youtube channel), I told him that I enjoy these but I'm afraid of the people that I know in real life to see these things that I create "kasi baka siraan ako katulad ng dati" (They may spread false rumors of me like before and ruin me), and that I was afraid that I'll experience other people in the cyber space not liking me again. He told me that I may expect the worse, but I should continue what I do if it makes me happy. I was happy, until out of nowhere I became this some sort of "perfectionist" who only wants to post something amazing, until I didn't post anything at all because I felt like everything that I created was crap even if I had fun creating them.
I was okay with only a few people reading or watching my blog / vlogs because it's a bit chill and I know that they're still getting to know me. But whenever I get some sort of recognition, I tend to pull back. I was afraid of having a lot of people seeing something wrong with me and start to bash me. See, I was not fully secured with myself and adding negative attention to that may get me a one way ticket to loneliness.
I fake my confidence a lot. As much as possible I avoid receiving compliments by being "overconfident" with myself (It's a facade). Whenever I feel like someone's gonna say something to me, I always try and talk first and act so cocky like saying "ang ganda ko no?" ("Aren't I pretty?") or something like that so that they'll laugh and disagree with me and make some other comment that I'm way more comfortable with because it mostly ends with a funny conversation. But yeah, I guess I just couldn't take a positive or negative or any comment in general about me or my content easily.
I now realize that if I do want to continue doing this, as long as it makes me happy, nothing else should matter. As long as I'm not hurting anybody else or myself, then I should just keep doing what I want to do. Of course, it's easier said than done, so I'll just take it a step at a time.
For now, I'm posting this for myself. Yes this was me talking to myself and all of you being the witness HAHA!
I'm just happy to be back, I'm starting to achieve that happiness that I wanted since the beginning of this year so I'm going to try and keep that going.
xx
Joyce.
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